I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
