you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
