I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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