ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
