At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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