I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
