I think I won the penis lottery.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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