guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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