Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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