Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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