: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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