he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
