My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
