i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
