Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
