I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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