why didn't you poke me back
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
