I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
