the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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