this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
