roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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