so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
