i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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