I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
