are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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