I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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