I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
