life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
