My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
