I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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