I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
