i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
