she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
