yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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