I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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