I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
