I just threw up on my dentist
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
