If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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