Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
