dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
