mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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