It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
