Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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