I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
