She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
