You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He better not be in your backpack
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
