just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
