I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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