i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
