omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just found puke in my bra..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
