I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
