How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
