a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm going to jail i love you
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
