Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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